Dark Diva

The Manifesto of a Queen

I bear the burden of being a cat. And a Queen no less.

The human calls me Diva.

My soul stirs, it longs to be free. Free from the confines of this dwelling. Free from the darkness. Free from dry kibble. I have never understood the dry kibble. It is so…dry. I only crunch this hard tack to stay strong. Where is the moistness of the food that humans eat or the moistness of the treats that humans use to taunt? I love those treats and, yet, the human gives them out as if they were nuggets of gold, obtained from the cache of royal assets. Human shares pieces of smelly bird with the gray hunter, but I demand better.

I demand moistness, I demand treats.

Yes, as usual, the human ignores me…another part of this dark life I do not understand. Why does human get to choose when she pays attention to the Queen? Most days, she runs out the door very early while barely remembering to feed me and the gray one. Human says goodbye to the other human, but rarely to me. Could human at least bow to me before she leaves? No, she cannot. Human stays away until late afternoon, leaving me with the other human who makes me follow stupid rules and dangles string and fake mice (I know they are fake, I’m not stupid) in front of my nose.

Get that away from me! I’m going to keep batting that string away until you go away!

The human returns to the dwelling and still refuses to bow. Instead, she coos at me and the gray hunter. “Hi babies! How are my babies? Are you hungry? Did you miss me?” Well, yes, yes and maybe. I’m as good as a Queen can be when her servant abandons her all day. I’ve had a hard day of dangling string, long naps, bird watching, long naps, pooping, and long naps. I may have even puked a little on the carpet. Yes, I am hungry. Yes, I missed you but only because you were not here to serve me.

Serve my supper or I shall have you beheaded.

Good help is hard to find. Why did I not end up at the rich couple’s dwelling? A place where I would be eternally pampered and wear a crown? Where I would have my own room, my own fluffy bed, and eat moist food from a crystal bowl? Where no one would dangle string and allow me to sleep my life away? Instead, I am the last thought of this human as she scrutinizes all of the wenches at the shelter before she picks me. How did she not know I am the Queen?

I live a life of darkness and hardship with the gray hunter, human. Thank you very much.

She ignores me again and refuses to bow. I’m not sure I can bear this.

Human ends the day with the nail clippers. She knows that I do not like to be clipped, but today she paid no mind. I am yelling at human. Yelling! Human pays no mind. I do not like anyone touching my feet or clipping my sharp needle claws. I love the needles. They dig better into the cardboard object that human has placed on the floor and that, in turn, elicits “good girl” from her mouth. Why do I not get a “good girl” when I have the same positive results from the gold-colored chair? It’s gold…the color of a Queen! Why am I not allowed to make my mark upon it? I do not get it. More stupid, nonsensical human rules.

Just wait, human, I am going to regrow my sharp needles and stick them in your thigh.

I pray to be rescued from this dark place of a Diva. All of human’s belly rubs, cuddles and cooing will not change this angst. The incessant purring and talking is done merely to keep human off guard. I lay next to her to give human a false sense of security. She knows not of my plan to escape…to be free. I shall find the rich couple and eat from the crystal bowl. I shall be Queen of my domain. I shall rule the earth.

Yes, human, some day you will be my servant. You will bow to me.

As soon as I take another long nap.