“There’s a grace when the heart is under fire
Another way when the walls are closing in
And when I look at the space between
Where I used to be and this reckoning
I know I will never be alone”
~From Another in the Fire by Hillsong~
Ten years ago, I wanted it to be over with.
I had two months to go for it to be final, and a number of years before I truly felt peace.
Ten years ago seems like yesterday and, yet, April of 2010 feels like forever ago.
Sitting through a women’s conference on Saturday, I was reminded that I survived a journey.
One that would lessen emotional pain and stress, heal a heart, and open eyes to a new life.
One that found support in old and new friends, family, and a church community.
I stopped hiding the truth and started talking and praying.
I started to laugh and breathe again.
A new chapter of this story began: Life as Me.
Throughout the past ten years, I’ve learned to be more patient, to not let stress overwhelm, to not be reactionary in anger, and to be happy living a simpler life.
Friends pointed out that we’re all worthy of respect and love, and have a right to be a total nerd, if we so choose.
The workplace and its peers gave me a safe, albeit busy, haven during the day and a paycheck every two weeks in order to keep the bills paid and food on the table.
Two cats gave comfort in purrs and snores.
Family provided support, encouragement, and forgotten memories.
Faith in God reminded me that there is grace in hard times and in healing, and that even though I’m not in control of everything and life is never perfect, there is peace in simply being alive.
I have found peace, my friends.
Peace in my heart, a calm in my soul.
A change in life’s outlook.
It took ten years, but here it is. Front and center and all around.
The chance to take a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief and accomplishment.
This doesn’t mean I will never get mad or stressed or feel sadness over loss again, that future days won’t have their ups and downs.
After all, that’s how it goes…right?
My reckoning means that I am surrounded by people I love and people I have yet to meet; given opportunities to travel and serve others; have become passionate about writing, reading and riding a bicycle; and am ready to face a pending retirement and live a slightly different existence without a 5:00 am wake-up call.
Today, I am led by a faith that reflects kindness and compassion and a knowledge that I will never be alone in whatever happens in the next ten years and beyond.
It will be an exciting and interesting and challenging time, and I can hardly wait.