Hey Gibbs, what do you think it’s like to be a dog?
Really? That’s your answer?
Yes. Dogs are gross and they live gross lives.
Why do you say that?
Because they sniff each others’ butts.
Gibbs, you smell my butt. Way more than I like.
That’s because your butt smells nice, unlike gross dog butt.
My butt smells like poo and feline female. How is that not gross? And how do you know what a dog’s butt smells like?
I think I used to live with one, before I went to the shelter and mom adopted me.
Oh yeah? What kind of dog was it?
I don’t remember. It’s so long ago and I try to block that from my memory.
Well, anyhow, dogs smell each others’ butts as a form of chemical communication. A dog finds out a lot of things about the other dog like its gender, emotional state, diet, and more. It’s kind of like saying “hello” in dog terms.
How do you know so much about this?
Because I’m a smart Queen.
Ziva, have you been changing channels to Animal Planet when mom isn’t looking?
Don’t be silly. I don’t have opposable thumbs. Besides, mom keeps watching the “My Cat from Hell,” show, which is a good thing.
Why is that?
Because then we don’t look so bad.
I still wonder what it’s like to be a dog. They seem to be happy creatures when they’re not chasing their tail or afraid of the vacuum.
I’m not pleased with the vacuum either. It’s too loud and I swear one day it’s going to suck up our tails and eat them. We’ll spend the rest of our lives unable to swish.
Or hold it proudly in the air.
And proudly show our butt hole.
Now who’s being gross?
Ziva, we are just as well off being cats with this human. Mom gives us a place to sleep, she feeds us kibble, she plays with us and gives us attention. Although, I would like MORE attention. Like every hour of every day attention.
You are an attention whore.
You are a snoring whore.
You can dish it out, but you can’t take it.
You’re still an attention whore.
You’re so childish.
*A moment of silence*
Gibbs, you never really answered my question. What do you think it’s like to be a dog? Don’t say “gross.”
It depends. If they have a loving and caring human, then I imagine it’s great – they get a place to sleep, a bowl of kibble, a tummy rub…
I hate tummy rubs.
I know Queenie. Can I finish?
One thing that I wish we could do is go for a walk like a dog. I mean, dogs get to wander the neighborhood, poop and urinate anywhere they want, bark at bunnies, and smell everything in the air. We have to stay inside or on the porch and smell the same boring smells. Except when the Bryan guy is cooking meat on that metal contraption right outside the window. I wish he would come up here and give us some meat. It smells like awesome meat.
I don’t know why you like human food so much. I can barely stand to sniff it.
It’s because you’re weird.
You’re still an attention whore.
No, you stop it. I don’t think you’d really like to go for a walk like a dog.
Because. Harness. Lead. Loud cars. Scared. Dragging.
Oh. On second thought…
Yeah, let’s just stay here in case mom needs us again to write a post for her. I always enjoy pitching in and speaking my mind.
After which we take a nap, knowing our job has been well done. One day someone is going to ask me to write a book.
Sweet dreams Gibbs.
Same to you snoring whore.
*From the distance, a voice is heard. “Talk nice to each other or you’ll never write anything for me ever again.”*
In unison, “Yes mom!”
Have a nice nap Queenie. You can dream about dogs and I’ll dream about barbecued meat.
Many thanks to the Two Peas, who agreed to write this post for their human, in exchange for treats and additional play time. Right after a long nap…