“I, Felinius Clawdius Gibbserus Zero Bratticus, this-that-and-the-other (for I shall not trouble you yet with all my titles) who was once, and not so long ago either, known to my friends and relatives and associates as “Clawdius the Idiot” or “That Darn Clawdius” or “Clawdius the Howler” or “Claw-Claw-Clawdius” or at best as “Poor Uncle Clawdius”, am now about to share this strange history of my life; starting from my earliest kittenhood and continuing year by year until I reach the fateful point of change where, some eight minutes ago, at the age of nine, I suddenly found myself caught in what I may call the “golden predicament” from which I have never since become disentangled.”
“And what thoughts or memories, would you guess, were passing through my mind on this extraordinary occasion? Was I thinking of Humanumus and Zivacus? Of the redhead child-woman and Natasha? Of food in my dish? No, you would never guess what was passing through my mind. But I shall be frank and tell you what it was, though the confession is a shameful one.”
“I was thinking, ‘So, I’m Emperor, am I?’ What nonsense! But at least I’ll be able to make people read this post now.”
“My history within Melange is full of amusing anecdotes. I’m sure that they’ll enjoy it.”
Love and purrs,
Postscriptius: My apologies to Robert Graves.