Polar Vortex? I do not know the meaning, only that the human has cursed those two words since the beginning of December, 2013. It sounds awful, like hell on earth, and the cursing usually occurs as the human walks in the door, literally shaking. This polar vortex must be out there, somewhere along winter’s landscape, holding court with the snowflakes and ice. I press my nose against the patio door window and am surprised by how cold it feels. Brrrrr. After a shiver, I slink back to the couch and take my tenth nap of the day. I’m so tired…
Human has been searching for a part time job. She says it’s because the Queen and I eat and poop too much and all of her extra money goes toward food and litter and dangling toys. We are being blamed for living. I am insulted. I need to eat and take a nap.
The human’s incessant whining about the cold and snow is becoming pathetic. I wish she would shut up. Why doesn’t she stay inside where it’s warm? Instead, human goes to her regular job, out to see her mom and friends, and hang with others that worship a non-feline God.
Oh, and human has found something called a chocolate martini. Again, I do not know the meaning of these two words, but it seems to make her happy.
The human has terrible cabin fever. When at home, she constantly sits at the computer and watches TV when she could pay attention to ME. The human prattles on about how she’s been “blogging” for a year and the definition of another word escapes me. Blogging? Is that like The Facebook? I don’t understand. What I know is that she laughs hysterically every time she sees a picture of a grumpy cat. Hmpffff. Pay attention to ME.
The Queen is sleeping and eating her way through the remains of the cold season. I think she’s getting fat.
Spring came around toward the end of the month and human mumbled something about hope and moving. The latter scares me. I believe there’s more to this moving than getting up off the couch to fetch my dinner.
I feel like I’m two again. I do not know why. Perhaps it’s the spring air that is occasionally allowed to enter through the big glass window. I want to howl and jump and act like a fool (more so than normal). I wish the human had a bigger cave. I need to run.
The moving word comes up again. Without warning, the human starts putting her possessions into boxes. Every day, bit by bit, boxes are taken away or the human takes things to a place called “St. Vinnys.” Is the human offering sacrifices? The Queen and I are confused. Our home seems to be going away and we don’t know why. The human keeps telling us that soon we will be moving to our new home and we will love it. What is moving? Do I really want to know?
I guess I found out. The Queen and I are in a strange place. It smells funny. There are strange noises. There is another human living here. This is weird. I’m not sure if I’m anxious or excited. I cannot seem to relax at the moment.
Meanwhile, the human talks occasionally with a bad English accent and flails her arms about. I always suspected she had a split personality.
There are birds everywhere. Birds by the dozen. Out in the field. On the rooftop. Fluttering around the window. Making lots of noise. Birds! I find myself jumping at shadows and alarming the other human. The Queen sits and cackles at the birds, I try to figure out how to catch and eat them.
It is a frustrating month as I am overstimulated by birds and burdened by rules. I must obey rules or be fired upon by a stream of water. I do not like the stream of water. If I wish to be wet, I’ll go swimming in my water dish.
More birds. More rules. The weather is nice. The human goes camping (I know what this means and I wish she would take me along as I am certain I would delight in exploring the outdoors). The Queen and I are getting used to this new place, although I have discovered sticky mats on the kitchen counter tops. They are keeping me from my nightly investigation of places that are forbidden with the daytime rules.
The human’s family came to visit and celebrate another human’s 95th birthday. It seems odd that any living animal could live that long. I hope to make it to my 15th birthday…everything after that is chicken gravy.
The human is gone quite often these days. She puts on her knickers and excitedly talks about “riding the trails.” I see her (from the window) attach a two-wheeled contraption to the back of a four-wheeled contraption and leave for hours and hours. I don’t know what she is doing, but much like the chocolate martini, it makes her happy.
The Queen and I were humiliated today. We were placed in these boxes, then in the four-wheeled contraption, and taken to a place that smells funny. Once on a metal table, a strange human came in and poked at me and stuck something up my butt. The Queen was not happy and neither was I. This was a horrible experience and we were both thrilled when our paws met the safety of our home.
I feel a change in the air that comes through the window. The number of birds in the field has increased dramatically of late. Our human tells the other human that autumn is on its way and they must enjoy the last remaining days of summer. That translates into the humans putting on their knickers again and leaving for three days while the Queen and I lay around and do nothing. It’s the human’s birthday this month and I wonder if she bought herself a tuna cake or chicken as a gift to herself. I know that’s what I would do if I were human.
Oh, and the human is excited by something called football. I do know this entails lots of loud yelling in front of the TV. The Queen and I stay in the bedroom as the human scares us when she jumps up and down and screams DEfense!
Don’t judge me for lumping these two months together. My paws are becoming sore from typing and I’m trying to wrap things up for 2014.
The outdoors is colder. Much colder. I don’t know how the human survived her Halloween party, dressed in a short skirt and feathers. The silly human scared me with her mask. I thought she was a robber or something. I tried to tell her it wasn’t funny, but she just laughed. I’m still trying to figure out how to get even.
The Queen and I spend more time sleeping. There isn’t much else to do since the birds have left and our patio time is extremely limited. I discovered this white stuff out on the patio the other day and found it absolutely delightful. The human said I made a snow angel. I’m disappointed that she didn’t see it was a Picasso-inspired creation. Artists are never taken seriously!
The humans put up a white lighted tree in the corner of the big room. It’s shiny and beautiful, but I’m not allowed to chew on it. I was trying to floss my fangs when a spray of water came my way. I hear “no” quite a bit from the humans and am frustrated with their attempts to stymie my outgoing personality. They are fuddie duddies.
There isn’t much to say since it’s early in the month. The human hasn’t been happy with me. I have been banned to the bedroom at night because she says she cannot trust me alone with the counters and tree at night. She calls me incessant. I am saddened by this news, but I do not give up. I let my human know at 4 am that I am displeased with this situation by incessantly consistently pawing at the door or pawing at her head. She tries to calm me down with water, but I am determined.
Wait a minute…what are those dang sticky mats doing here?
The Queen and I plan to sleep, eat and poop through the rest of the month. I hear rumblings of more human visitors at the end of this month, which means there will be others to pay attention to ME. My own human isn’t always good about that. She is more interested in baking cookies, singing songs about two guys named Santa and Jesus, and leaving us to run about doing who-knows-what. Bah-humbug.
There’s always hope in 2015 for things to improve. I wish everyone what I wish for the Queen and I: Plenty of play time, a human’s touch, lots of chicken and treats, birds by the window, a soft bed, clean litter box and no drooling dogs, spraying water or sticky mats.
(The prior ramblings have been shared due to the recent writing challenge.)