The Cheeky Leek

The Cheeky Leek is a seldom published publication, devoted to the folly of the Daily Post in its desire to somehow answer a ridiculous challenge called “Genre Blender.” Today, the Leek foregoes a historically fictional poem in order to impart its satirical rant on events of a week past.

Mary J Melange has been arrested and charged with Felony Whining and Unprofessional Ranting. The charges stem from incidents last week with a public servant and the piling-on of multiple deadlines by Everyone In The World.

Ms. Melange, an ordinarily quiet and mild-mannered young lady, was caught in the act of whining to excess, on more than one occasion, by co-workers and a close friend. Ms. Melange did not hold back in spewing utterances of frustration toward the aforesaid public servant and a few others who were fated to cross her path. A charge of Conspiring to Think the Worst of Others was dropped due to lack of evidence.

The incidents began after Ms. Melange returned from a three-day, out-of-office absence. Her wrongful behavior was set off upon receipt of a lengthy spreadsheet by said public servant, who merely wanted to question every detail of Ms. Melange’s report. An “Oh craaaap!” was heard by a co-worker just outside Ms. Melange’s office door. (The “S” word was not used at this time.) Several sighs of whining disgust echoed from her office throughout the day and Ms. Melange’s cloud of negativity began to grow.

Within the next four days, Ms. Melange uttered rants of “Really?” and “You’ve got to be kidding!” and “This is crazy!” while receiving additional deadlines from EITW and additional questions from the public servant via email. Co-workers report Ms. Melange’s general whining was excessive. Her excuse to police later was that EITW had the same deadline date and it coincided with the public servant’s desire to utilize the same date to wrap things up. The police did not accept her minimization and moved forward with the noted charges. Ms. Melange’s behavior escalated when, upon returning home from work, she began to rant to her friend Natasha about the public servant and his unwitting desire to send her “over the edge” with his nitpickiness and lack of procedural understanding. Being a confident and “take charge” person, Natasha sympathized with Ms. Melange and offered her friend a few suggestions to resolve said issues with the public servant. (Natasha hesitantly shared this information with police later as a hostile witness.)

Co-workers report that they “think” they heard Ms. Melange utter the “F” word under her breath, but couldn’t be positive. The co-workers state Ms. Melange had her office door closed for much of the week, making it hard to discern inappropriate and unprofessional ranting on her part. The co-workers also reported that they felt Ms. Melange was thinking the worst of others, but could not substantiate that claim other than the outward “stressed-out crazy woman” appearance on her face. Police state that they may have mistaken that type of appearance for a simple case of gastric discomfort.

In the end, during questioning with police, Ms. Melange admitted to the charges of Felony Whining and Unprofessional Ranting. However, she continued to minimize her part in the incidents, stating that it was an extremely stressful week and that the whining and ranting took the place of public intoxication and “making a pig of myself” at the local pancake house. Ms. Melange denied uttering the “F” word. She stated her thoughts were her own and that God and her future psychiatrist would be the only deity and human (other than Natasha) who would ever know what she was thinking during the week of these incidents. Ms. Melange stated to police that she has since come to terms with her whining and ranting behavior and the shortcomings of the public servant and that she has put this in the past. Ms. Melange stated that her workload has lessened and she has been able to reflect on how to divert her stress into more positive behaviors and activities during the times when EITW wants everything all at the same time.

Police state that Ms. Melange, if convicted, could be given an alternative sentence of cognitive behavior therapy, twice-a-week meditation classes, and a case of Godiva chocolate due to her otherwise clean record and normally quiet demeanor.

Ms. Melange could not be reached for comment.