CATankerous Advice

For  this week’s writing challenge, channel your inner Abigail Von Buren.

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Question Cat

Dear Human Mary: I have followed your blog for many months now and I especially enjoy the posts about cats. You seem like a good slave caretaker to your kids, whom you call Gibbs and Ziva.  I, on the other hand, am forced to live with a human who refuses to put kibble in my dish when I summon him with every fiber of my meow. He babbles something about my stature (I’m big boned) and that eating every 15 minutes is not a good idea. What’s up with that? (I love food.) ~Sylvester~

Dear Sylvester: I love food too and I understand your dilema. However, the picture you sent with your letter tells me that your human’s concern about your stature is valid.  He is correct that you do not need to eat every 15 minutes as this makes you sleepy and listless. I understand that the majority of a cat’s life is spent sleeping, but I believe your time would be better spent playing with a catnip mouse, chasing shadows, or running around your home as if your tail is on fire. It will also reduce the size of your bones and help you feel more energetic. Your human loves you and is looking out for your best interest. Stop summoning him for food and start summoning him to clean out your litter box more often.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Dear Human Mary: Hi! It’s me again. Thank you for the advice about my eating habits. I have been taking your advice the last three days and I have found a bit of renewed energy. And I think I’ve lost an ounce of bone. I have been chasing my catnip mouse across the bed every day, several times a day. My human, however, does not seem to appreciate this effort during the dark time of the day. He yells that I am disturbing his sleep and when I run across the middle lower part of his body, he gets peeved and uses naughty words. My human will go so far as to kick me out of the bedroom and shut the door. How am I supposed to play when he does that? How am I supposed to lose bone if I can’t play on the bed? How does human expect me to wake him for my morning feeding when he closes the door? I thought that play over eating is preferred, but this confuses me. Please help. ~Sylvester~

Dear Sylvester: First of all, let me congratulate you on your bone loss and your playing habits. Good job! I believe you are confused, Sylvester, because unlike humans, you can sleep and play whenever you desire. With humans, it is different. Most of us have a set period of six to eight hours a day when we need to sleep. For many, it is during the dark hours. While the bed is a fun place to play with your mouse, I would suggest finding an alternative play area when your human is sleeping. Sleep is important to us, Sylvester. We need it so that we are rested when we go out the door to our jobs. If you don’t know the meaning of a job, you should. It allows the human to buy your kibble. What would happen if your human was so grumpy at his job, due to lack of sleep, that his employer fired him? No sleep + no job = no Sylvester kibble. Think about this. Play with your mouse in the living room during the dark hours or plan your sleep time around your human’s sleep time.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Dear Human Mary: Thank you for your last bit of advice. My human has been much happier since I stopped playing on the bed at night. He was a little cranky Friday when I decided to sleep on his pillow and alternately purr and snore throughout the night, but he did not kick me out of the bedroom. Perhaps not having to go to his “job” the next day made a difference. I’ll avoid doing that during the week, just to make him happy.

You know, there are days when I’m not sure my human loves me. Yes, he feeds me and he’s getting better at shoveling the poo out of the litter box, but why does he complain about my cat fur being over everything? Does my human not know that I can smell him everywhere? (He smells like dog butt.) My human gets upset if I play with anything that belongs to him. I don’t think he enjoys retrieving it from under the couch. And what’s up with the negative energy when I jump up on the table to check out what he’s eating? Dude’s food always smells better than mine. I’m trying to lose more bone, but he continues to lure me up on the table with the smell of beef roast and chicken pot pie and then proceeds to yell at me. What do you think about this? Does human love me or not? ~Sylvester~

Dear Sylvester: Such is the relationship between a cat and its human. When humans complain to their cats (and dogs too) about their fur or behavior, it’s because we expect a certain amount of decorum and cleanliness, not because we don’t love them. Humans love petting a cat’s fur, but curse it when it covers the bed, the furniture, and the pillow upon which they lay their head. Humans want their pets to play, but not with their expensive iPhone or the foil package of cashews that was sitting on the kitchen counter. Or on the bed at 4 am. We humans love our felines more than we can say, but we tend to focus on our own human behavior and forget that you have a mind of your own. We love you for your independent nature, yet it drives us crazy.

I do have to apologize about the cat kibble vs. human food. I’m sorry you have to eat the same dry food day after day. It must be boring. I’m sorry that you are forced to eat dry kibble while we dine on an abundance of meats, produce, and cheese. That is why I spoil Gibbs and Ziva every so often and give them a little human food. They thank me later by kneading their claws into my thighs.

Anyhow, Sylvester, your human does love you. You may not always see it or feel it, but he does. He would not have you in his house if he did not have you in his heart. Cut him a little slack in the days to some. After all, he is only human and not perfect, like you.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Dear Human Mary: Thank you for answering my last question about love. I think I had a little tear in my eye. My human and I have been getting along fabulously now that I understand him and myself a little better. He’s been talking about bringing another critter into the household. I suggested a canary. What do you think? ~Sylvester~

Dear Sylvester: No. Absolutely not.

10 responses to CATankerous Advice

  1. Cathy Ulrich says:

    Awesome, Mary! Sylvester is a lucky cat indeed to have found your column! Those of us humans who live with cats can so relate!

  2. Marianne says:

    LMAO! Where do you come up with this stuff? I think you’ve really managed to get inside a cat’s head.

  3. geanieroake says:

    Hah! I don’t usually laugh out loud at anything, but this was funny. Looking forward to more.

  4. Judy L. Brekke says:

    Mary – this is wonderful. So spot on! Jax is demanding his food right now as he sits on the back of my computer chair. He ate less than 15 minutes ago, then I put his food on the kitchen counter so new kitty (Oreo Mustachio)would not eat it. Izzy, the rat, stands at the corner of her kennel begging for a treat – always someone wanting food!

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