Weekly Writing Challenge: A Pinch of You
This week, we want a window into the complexity that is you. We want your best recipes. We want the recipe for all the bits and pieces and quirks and foibles and loves that make you you.
The Stew is best made on a Saturday, with nothing much to do.
Tangibles (Touchy, Feely Stuff):
1 – Bottle of Wine
1 – Carafe of Coffee
6 – Gluten-Free Cookies or 6 pieces of 80% dark chocolate or 6 Oreos
Lots of nuts. Cashews, almonds, walnuts. The nuttier, the better.
2 – Cats underfoot & 1 lb. of cat hair
1 – Large, heavy frying pan (to build muscle)
12 – Kitchen gadgets of various size, color and shape (addiction)
1 – Princess Pillow (see intangibles)
1 – Leather jacket, motorcycle helmet, rain gear
0 – Motorcycle
12 – Potted Plants on a Patio
1 – Computer and a Blog Page
Intangibles (Can’t Touch This!):
1 – Loose, wobbly screw inside head
1 – Box of obsessive compulsive perfectionism
1 – Carton of attention deficit (look, it’s Superman!)(no, look, it’s jewelry on sale!)(no, look, it’s chocolate cake!)
1 – Princess attitude (see tangibles)
55 – Years of weird, dry wit (gifted by dad)
1 – Level cup of gangly, dufus dork
1 – Heaping tablespoon of athletic clumsy
12 – Years of contemplative yogi (except in the instance of caffeine overdose)
25 – Situational Awareness incidents that didn’t end well
4 – Years of peace and happiness, post divorce
1 – Circle of Family, Friends and Support
1 – Musical listening inclinations; singing abominations
1 – Good date, in her own mind
Open the wine and let it breathe. Put a cookie of your choosing in the mouth and wash it down with a cup of coffee. Throw the coffee filter in the trash, along with the wrapper from the box of cookies. Wipe the 2 teaspoons of coffee off the counter that was left from stirring almond milk into the coffee. Smell the wine, make sure it’s OK. Have another cookie, while getting out the frying pan. Walk to the bathroom, frying pan in hand, to hang up the laundry that has been sitting next to the sink for the last hour. Trip over the underfoot cats on the way to the bathroom.
After hanging up the wet clothes, walk back to the kitchen with frying pan in hand. Eat another cookie or a piece of dark chocolate to celebrate the fact that you have avoided tripping over the underfoot cats again. Sing “Lovin, Touchin, Squeezin” as you pour the first glass of wine (it’s noon somewhere) and curse online dating. Play with the garlic press until it breaks. Find the sharp knife and cut a finger. Go back to the bathroom to find a band-aid. Trip over the cats again because the situational awareness has been washed away by the blood oozing from the finger. Go back to the kitchen, pour another glass of wine. Wipe the blood from the counter. Cleanliness is next to Godliness.
Wake up an hour later, drooling onto the princess pillow. Put the back of your hand to the forehead and bemoan the fact that motivation has left the building. The cats will concur. Roll from the couch onto the floor, molding your body into child’s pose and staying there until one of the cats jumps on your back. Yell at the cat and slowly get off the floor. Go out onto the patio and look at the flowers. Let a fly into the apartment so the cats have something to do.
Head back to the kitchen, stopping to answer a text from a friend. Wait for her to text back. Text her again. Wait again. Repeat for 10 minutes. Answer the phone when it rings. “Hello, this is your mother. When are you coming to see me?”
Go to the kitchen, damnit. The frying pan on the stove elicits a wince and yearning for more couch time. Take a break. Heat up a cup of leftover coffee that has turned to mud. Sit at the computer and share George Takei’s Facebook posts. “Like” everything on the wall and post stupid cat pictures. Go to WordPress and write a blog about a favorite recipe, or cats, or camping, or cookies or dating or swimming or flowers or friendship or anything that makes others roll their eyes.
If you are still in pajamas at this point, your stew will win extra bonus points.
Blast an internet radio station from the computer and head back to the kitchen. You WERE attempting to make stew. The coffee has gone cold, so pour a glass of wine. You may need it to cook. Carefully pick up the bloody knife, now wiped clean, and cut up an onion. Sing “Born to be Wild” and dance in the kitchen, reminiscing about the days of Harley. Trip over the cat’s water dish (the cats have learned avoidance by now) on your way to fondle the seldom worn leather jacket that sadly hangs in the front closet. Tears stream down your eyes not because you miss your bike, but because the fumes of the strong yellow onion have made their way into your tear ducts. Get out the mop and bucket and clean up the kitty kibble water on the floor.
Look at the clock on the computer and determine the amount of time that has been wasted. Walk away from the computer and go back to the kitchen. Do not share any further George Takei Facebook posts.
Decide that frying an onion makes no sense and put the pan away. Throw the onion in a ziploc and place it in the freezer. Make a protein shake in the fancy Nutri-something blender, eat a protein bar and a cookie, then go for a bike ride.
It’s unknown why there is motivation at this point to go for a bike ride, but do not question.
After the bike ride, pour another glass of wine, text at least three friends, sit on the couch for 30 minutes, eat a bowl of cereal and a couple of cookies, watch crappy TV and play with the cats.
Trip over the cats on the way to bed.
Snore soundly for 8 hours.
Special Note: The recipe omitted fiction, half-truths, outright lies, and an extra helping of dry wit. Nothing a glass of wine and a cookie can’t rectify.
Make sure you check out more challenge posts by following this link.